*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
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maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I’m having an out of money experience.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?