All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
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dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
#Caturday
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife