For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
You Might Also Like
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Safety first
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Straight people are cancelled
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.