FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
You Might Also Like
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Terribly Tuesday.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I