*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
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Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.