the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
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Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind