Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
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Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
🙁
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.