Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
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My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Confused owl: What?!
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.