I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
You Might Also Like
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.