At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
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A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.