At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
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If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.