I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
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[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
my mind
You just read my mind
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*