My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
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I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos