New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
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The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I’ve had relationships like this
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.