Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs![]()
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Come back after dark. Bring your friends
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Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
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the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Fat chances are my favorite chances
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers