My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
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bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
*skinny dips into black hole
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations