No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
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I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
every. time.
If you know, you know
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear