You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
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3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
what’s the point then??
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.