I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
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Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Saturday
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call