You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
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guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner