Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
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ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
my fav colour is also hitler
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Simple
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?