Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

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Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:

“He’s showing signs of improving”

“He’s a beast”

“He just has to keep those interceptions low”

“It’s been a wild season”

“Yeah they’re so stacked”

“Yeah that offensive line”

Lol I don’t know shit about football.


Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”


My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.


I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.


My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife


If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”


I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.


Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.


My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches


“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.