After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
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I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.