@DirtyMelodies

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

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@Rollmaninoz

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

@causticbob

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

@Jake_Vig

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

@AsgardianRose

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

@dannyboy7813

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

@STOTLE

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

@pilau

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

@naughtywriter2

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

@UnFitz

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

@snmrrw

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins