Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

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*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!


Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.


Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.


I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.


Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?


If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash


medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me


I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.


“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.


maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins