@DirtyMelodies

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

You Might Also Like

@TheRealPalMal

Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:

“He’s showing signs of improving”

“He’s a beast”

“He just has to keep those interceptions low”

“It’s been a wild season”

“Yeah they’re so stacked”

“Yeah that offensive line”

Lol I don’t know shit about football.

@CandyEmpires

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

@DrunkSocialite

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

@ddsmidt

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife

@SadPeruna

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

@navanax

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

@Arroia

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

@ColoradoUgly

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

@deephora_

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.