Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

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After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.


I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.


If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank


I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.


[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911


I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience


Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.


The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.