Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.

Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”

I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍

the clam before the storm

Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.

Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

Pretty much. 🤣

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”

Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party

She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.