man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
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My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
These 3D printers are insane!
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.