These 3D printers are insane!
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You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.