When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
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Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
When I grow up, I want to be 16
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.