Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
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My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
The glory of fall.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.