[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
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A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ