Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this

i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone

parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?

Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

[phobia support group]

host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.

me: [tearing up]

host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?

me: tsunamis

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.

My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day

me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

*1st date*

“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”

*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*

“Hellooo soulmate”

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?

Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.

This text is literally my relationship with my mother:

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.