I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
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I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.