[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
You Might Also Like
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
My dog learned how to text
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
starting a garage orchestra
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.