My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
![]()
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]