My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
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Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.