Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
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My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
so weird how every mom was born today
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts