My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
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“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
japanese corn
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min