alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
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I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.