Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
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If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
God, I love Scotland
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.