tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
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me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.