Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
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I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why