Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture