i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
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why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.