Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
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Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
How do you milk an almond?
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Me buying fruit and veg
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
the chicken was already gone when I got here