I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
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I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots