Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
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Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.