My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
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If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am