i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
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I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
i’m sure it’s fine
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’