*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
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If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
There is no “ea” in Tim.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
And that about sums it up.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.