“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
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Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Best mom ever 😂
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.