[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
You Might Also Like
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I enjoy a good short stor
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!