The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
You Might Also Like
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
i spent way too long on this
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-