i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
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Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.