Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
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[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Just so funny
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING