One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
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Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy