ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
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Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Got ya covered
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.